Quitting the Hate Game

Last night I had a dream that every thought in my head was loud and clear for everyone around me to hear, beyond my control. Actually, it was a fucking nightmare. For some one who considers herself oppressed and hated because of hegemonic value-based assumptions, I sure have a lot of them myself. Driving to the doctors this morning I encountered a couple of young girls crossing the street with a baby. They looked at me, I looked at them. I instantly judged them for having a young child, for being so young, I assumed they were of lower socio-economic standing and uneducated.

I. AM. A. HATER.

It made me sick to my stomach. I am so damn quick to jump to the conclusion that people are judging me for my fatness, my tattoos, my nose ring and my whole damn life that I straight away, without being aware of it most of the time, judge the person in front of me and compose my possible rebuttal should they say something rude or hurtful. There have been times, plenty of times where complete strangers have said hateful things to me and it hurts, and for the most part it makes me angry that people are so fucking stupid that they think that they are better than some one else and they have a right to judge and make others feel belittled. But I do it myself. In my own oppression, I have also become a hater.

One of my most favourite quotes from the Dharma is;

"May I be gladdened when someone belittles me, and may I not take pleasure when someone praises me. If I do take pleasure in praise then it immediately increases my arrogance, pride, and conceit; whereas if I take pleasure in criticism, then at least it will open my eyes to my own shortcomings"

Now I don’t think the message here is that we should internalise and embrace the hate that is thrown at us, but rather we should find the humility in it. When some one insults me I should take pleasure in the criticism because it does not affect my own self respect, it does not deflate or inflate my pride and it does not instigate hate but rather instigates love.

Fundamentally I need to stop assuming that everyone hates on me and when they do, respond with love and humility rather than further hate. As an intelligent, compassionate person I know I have the ability to do this and at the end of the day it starts with me. This is my pledge. I am quitting the hate game. As some one who can give hate as quickly and viciously as one receives it, I know the buck stops here and it is me who needs to make the change.